So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Jerry, you need to find god
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Dear god my vagina.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
