hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
