when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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