I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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