haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
