its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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