i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
