I accidentally had phone sex last night
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
