its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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