Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
