Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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