I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
