Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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