I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
