i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
