My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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