I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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