man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't put those talents on a resume
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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