Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
