apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
