got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
