update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
