Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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