we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
