What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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