Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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