what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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