I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
