I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
