I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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