Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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