he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
