we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
