WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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