We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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