It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
