this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
