The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
