Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
