you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same