Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
