what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
