He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
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I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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