Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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