I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
