remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
