1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
