she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
