Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I cockslap morals
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Two words: blizzard sex
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
