I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
