He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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