Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
