I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
