I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
