Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch