Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
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Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
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It is literally 8 in the morning.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
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From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.