Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive