I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
